Dear Jamie
by RandomShtScinceWhenever
Summary: AU in more ways than just genderbending. Acca Lupin says one finally goodbye to Jamie Potter before heading out into the world to try and make a life for herself. (A lesson in how not to do angst.)


**Dear Jamie**

I am a cold-hearted bitch. This is something I will freely admit. Fuck, you've all told me I'm one multiple times.

Another thing I will admit to is the belief that no matter how high your IQ is, you are a moron. I also believe that humans are selfish bastards not worth knowing. You were no exception.

You and Siria, really. You were both self-entitled pricks that I had wished for years would leave me be.

But you didn't. No matter how many times I'd snarled at you or pinned you to a bedpost with knives you still would not go away. I really think you thought I meant it as a challenge. I didn't. I meant to scare you away.

When I was five, old Danny Greyback bit me as a way to take revenge on my mother for her unguarded comments. Hell, if she knew the old wolf hunter was my grandmother and that my family has been wolf hunters for generations, then the comments were just the added push necessary for old Danny to finally take revenge against the Lupins on behalf of her kind. On behalf of my kind.

Anyway, after that, I went missing. I will spare you all the boring details but suffice to say, those years of my life were absolute shit. When I came back, I was short-fused and skittish and unable to tolerate any form of physical contact.

The first to manage to break through my walls was Artemis. He was incredibly patient with me even when I didn't deserve it. I know, hard to imagine, right? Artemis, patient? Ha!

I think what also helped was the fact that he was so soft. Not soft by normal society's standards, oh no. But to me, he was very soft.

Artemis was not an adult, smaller than me, weaker, and because of these things, not a threat in my book. Or at least not much of one.

Eventually he coaxed me into interacting with our fathers and his paternal grandmother. Everyone was overjoyed because to them, it meant I was starting to heal. From my end, not really.

And by everyone, I mean our dads and his paternal grandparents. Our mothers were nervous of being in the same room as me - my aunt almost forbid Artemis from having contact with me, in fact - and my grandmother had already mourned my passing.

It did not matter that I was still alive. As far as she was concerned, her granddaughter had died that night two years ago beneath the full moon. I was like an Inferius to her. Fortunately no one ever let her burn me to death and finally give my soul peace. Or is it unfortunate? I've always been fuzzy on that point.

I used to sit and watch as Grandmother taught Artemis how to use the instruments of the family trade. I would study the manner in which they wielded them and mentally scoffed at the sloppiness of it all. So many other, more efficient ways of using the instruments had been found long after our many-times-great-grandfather's time, and yet Grandmother insisted on abusing our poor tools so. Old fool.

One day, I guess Artemis got fed up with Grandmother's silent treatment of me. When Grandmother turned her back, my cousin picked up a knife - thankfully, or depending on how you looked at it, unfortunately steel - and came over to me.

He took one of my hands in his free one and turned his head to look directly at Grandmother, who had turned back and was watching to see what he would do. Artemis cut open my palm with his knife and it made my grandmother smile to see him shed my blood.

You might ask why I did not react to this. I guess I sensed it in the air that day that something important was going to come to pass. And maybe, subconsciously, I hoped my cousin would end my painful existence.

I may have become less high strung, but I was not happy.

After my cousin cut open my palm, he put the knife to his own hand without even bothering to wipe the knife off. Grandmother had scowled then and been starting to move when Artemis pressed our bleeding hands together.

She threw me to the floor when she pulled us apart, even as she fussed over Artemis. The most painful part of it was that I used to be her favorite.

Such a thing would not even give a human a werewolf's behavioral tendencies. In fact, there should not have been any effects to either of us with that act. But I was affected.

As a general rule, werewolves heal fast. It's how we survived full moons before there were hospitals with healers obligated by their vows to help us. Artemis has always healed fast. Now that I am a werewolf, I can smell that his father and paternal grandparents are not human. I still have no idea what they could be.

After Artemis defied Grandmother by mixing our blood, I healed even faster. If you watch for long enough, you can see my body knit itself back together.

Werewolves are naturally stronger than humans. Not to the extent of vampires, but it is noticeable. After Artemis mixed our blood, I was stronger.

Why am I telling you all this? Because you need to realize how fucked up I am if you are to understand how much your friendship- how much you m-meant to me.

When I came to Hogwarts, I was a very unfriendly child. I still did not trust anyone other than Artemis and people from my Missing Years who were at that point beyond my reach. And yes, I have figured a way to get to them now. Sorry you never got a chance to meet them, I know, I know, I promised.

Anyway, we hated each other. Not you and me so much as me and Siria, but it was close. I still have no clue how Penny stayed neutral in all that, do you?

I did indeed think you were arrogant toerags, but I also kept you focused on me to protect Severa. We both know her years at school would have been much worse if not for me and Artemis to distract you two.

I do not know what made you decide you wanted me to be at least an ally, if not a friend. I just remember being very confused when you started being kind to me. I also remember Siria giving you the cold shoulder around then, but that is neither here nor there.

I did not want anything to do with you two at first, but over time… Over time I grew to look forward to spending time with you and my opinion became… slightly less scornful.

Siria was funny and wonderful in her own way, but you, Jamie, were the one to bring me out of my shell. Because of you, I am alright with having physical contact with others and I do not even flinch when someone else establishes that contact. I find it easier to smile and laugh and being around you made me a happier, better person.

And for years after I realized it, I hated you for it. I hated you for making me love you. And I do love you, Jamie. You were not of my blood, but you were still my sister. I would have stood by your side through everything. All you needed to do was call my name and I would have come.

You probably noticed when I stopped hating you, though you likely didn't know that I ever did continue to hate you after I stopped protesting your presence in my life. I was suddenly more personable than I had ever been since that night. And I still remember Penny confronting me in the dorm, asking me who I was and what I had done with your friend.

Did you notice, Jamie, how free my smile was that day? Did you know it was because I finally realized it was okay for me to trust again, that you, my dear, dear friends would not turn your backs on me? I think you did, and I think that is why you returned my smile and told Penny that of course it was me, who would even want to steal my ugly mug?

And we laughed and laughed. I finally let myself show the love I felt burning in my breast for the three of you.

So I must thank you, Jamie, for seeing beyond the angry, unloved little girl I was. For seeing beyond my moodiness and my snarly manner to the sort of very deeply buried goodness only you seemed able to find in another, even a lonely young wolf-girl. And… I need to thank you, Jamie, for making me believe it was there too and giving me the courage to find it.

I know you three always thought me invincible, conveniently forgetting every time I fell apart in the ten years we knew each other. The truth is, you are my glue. All of you, with your belief that I am more than just another dirty half-breed, more than a foul, bloodthirsty beast.

I thank you, Jamie, for seeing something wonderful buried in the shards of who I was and helping me bring it into the light as a foundation for what I could be.

I love you, Jamie, sister of my heart who believed I can be anything I wish.

I miss you.


End file.
